Case Closed

I haven't written in a while and a lot has happened.

For starters, I passed the one year mark. It felt pretty monumental in my mind, I made a lot of progress in a year. People who I meet now, have no idea what by 2013 was like. Is that so bad? No, but I was asked recently why I still tell people about it. At first I thought it was kind of a rude question, and then when I thought about it, I understood. I think it is safe to assume that I would want to put this in the rear view mirror, FAR in the rear view mirror. But the reality is, it is still a part of my every day.

Here is a snippet of how:
1. I am still in pain nearly everyday. I sneezed this morning and it hurt my pelvis. Go figure.
2. I am still grateful. Every. Single. Day.
3. I still feel very blessed. Every. Single. Day.
4. This accident didn't JUST impact me physically.

That being said, I just have a slightly different perspective on each day. I give a bit more space between cars (not enough for 75 cars to merge, mind you); I take a deep breath when I see/hear about car accidents. I have more patience for situations regarding accidents (GAH, it is so inconvenient when other people get hurt in a car and RUIN my commute . . .  right? or not). Finally, I have to physically take things a bit slower sometimes. Yes, I work out often and yes, I experience pain almost every time I do. I just don't let it stop me.

Next, I traveled to Africa. Yup, you read that right. I even camped. I had a few instances where I let the fear seep in (mental side of my injury) and drive some decisions, but ultimately, I did everything I wanted there. I'll have to get another post up about Africa soon.

I think the most "final" thing that has happened since my last post is that my Washington State Labor and Industries case got closed. I knew this was coming, as I had been fighting for more coverage, probably through February. In early March, I decided that I probably needed to move on from fighting, as it was just too emotional for me. In April, I was told I needed to get final physicals for both my knee and my pelvis. I had JUST seen my knee doctor two days before but I had to go back.

I remember being really irritated because when I went back for the exam (it has been like 2-3 weeks), he had no idea who I was. I know they see a lot of patients, but I could hear him outside the room I was in (30 mins late mind you) and getting a debrief of my case. Just felt rude, step away from door! He spent a mere 5 minutes with me and I was on my way. I was pretty sure he would just say I was 100% healed.

Next, I had to schedule an appointment with an independent medical examiner for my Pelvis, as my regular family doctor (who had taken over the "care" of my pelvis) was not certified to do this. It turned into a tedious process where the receptionist at the location kept calling me Mark and leaving messages about "his" appointment. (don't worry, I made her feel awful when I showed up and to her surprise, I was female). The exam was quick and painless and I basically just chatted about all the things I can and can't do.

A few weeks later, I got a call from my case manager with L&I. I do have to say, I have had as wonderful of an L&I experience as you can. My case manager fought hard for me for a year, and got me everything I deserved within her power, and even begged for some extra stuff for me too. So, she called and (in many more words), that my case was being closed. Done and done. I am permanently disable in the eyes of the state (that is good) and if I ever have increased pain, I can open my case back up (yay!).

So, case closed. <insert Law & Order chime here>

I feel very lucky and blessed to be able bodied and minded to process this and look forward to more adventures!

Holy Sh*t Freaking Lucky

So today I was drove past the accident site. You might think it is weird I feel the need to mention it, but it was in an area I NEVER go to, and have actually only driven past the location 2 times before (always with someone else) - and now a third (alone). I don't even know if I have ever mentioned where the accident was. The location, is actually pretty significant, especially after driving past there today and having a panic/anxiety attack.

I was driving today from a meeting at The Museum of Flight to my office on Queen Anne, which led me up Marginal Way/Hwy 99. The accident was at Marginal Way and Dawson St - a stupid little side street that has nothing of significance. I have had this idea in my head about what the location looked like and how it happened, and even more importantly, how lucky I was/am. The few times I have driven past, I was with someone chatting and tried not to make a big deal about it. Neither with me were people who truly know what happened so I didn't want to make a big deal, about how big of a deal it was for me to be there.

So, today, I am alone and take in every single foot of the road and its surroundings. I held my breath. My first observation was that a lane that I thought was a turn lane wasn't. Significant. My other observation was that most cars were cruising between 40 and 50 MPH. Significant. My third observation was that this is an industrial area. Duh. I know that and have known that, BUT this time I noticed the ridiculous number of semi trucks in the area. Significant. (still not breathing) I must say it is amazing at what and how quickly your brain can think about things, as this was all in about 20 seconds.

As I passed the site, making all of these observations, My heart started to race, my vision even went a bit blurry for a second, and my eyes started to well with tears. I finally breathed and the tears rolled down my face.

We were hit turning left across a lane of traffic that I had thought was a turn lane approaching a red light, when in fact it was just a regular lane. We crossed two lanes of stopped traffic into a lane where vehicles were going the speed limit (really, 10-15 above the speed limit). We were hit by a Toyota Tundra, and we were in a Lexus sedan. That Toyota Tundra could have easily been a semi-truck, and odds are, the cars behind it, were. Gulp. Let's just say, I am FUCKING lucky that I was met with a Tundra and not a semi. WHOLLY SHIT. Hence the panic attack, lack of breathing and tears.

I am thankful and grateful every single day that all I did was break my pelvis and dislocate my knee - and nothing more, because realistically it should have been more. My spine got shook up a bit, but no injuries. My knoggin' is just fine, my arms are fine, I can (now) walk. I wouldn't be singing this same tune if I had been met with a semi truck.

I am sitting here brought to tears again because the emotions of this accident are with me every single day. Sitting at just a week before the one year anniversary of the accident, I am eternally grateful for my life and those who have helped me on this journey. It is hard and I may be nearly done putting the physical pieces back together, but the emotional toll will live with me for a long time.

I am so freaking lucky, in so many ways.

XOXO
Brianna

11 months and Jogging

Thursday was 11 months from the accident. Fairly uneventful in the grand scheme of things, but nonetheless significant for me. Every day is significant to me, but I don't expect people to celebrate every month with me. (Feel free, don't let my lack of expectation change your desire to celebrate me!)

Just wow. Today was a big day for me. I chose to register for this specific race because it was the last running race I did last year before the accident. More than anything, I was simply proving to myself that I had the drive in me to do this. I 100% expected to walk the entire thing. Since last year, the furthest I have jogged is one side of the gym to the other, which isn't super far. I have done some cardio through step and spin, but absolutely NO running. None. 

As we were lined up, my pelvis was hurting. Just a low dull pain. I didn't have a great outlook on how this would go, although I kept both of those facts to myself. As we started, I just wanted to walk. I needed to get a feel for the wet cement, the people and the environment. I didn't haven't any issues with having to walk the entire thing; my ego has never been an issue in this experience. I still have a fear of crowds as you just never know what others might do. Finally, it was raining. After about 1/2 k, I decided I wanted to see how it felt to jog, and much to my surprise, it felt fine. We did some walking and Anh was just as encouraging as if I were competing in an ironman. I suppose this was a personal ironman. 

It felt fine. No seriously. I kept waiting and it kept being fine. The only pain were my muscles kinda pissed that I was trying this out having not run, jogged, wogged or anything for a long time. Hey now, what is this business? I just set small goals for myself and Anh helped me get there. It was 42 minutes of pure bliss . . . that I could do this. The weirdest part is that it still doesn't hurt, 12+ hours later. Of course I haven't been up and about too much, but I kind of expected to be limping. I am excited to see how I feel tomorrow. My muscles are sore, and that is a feeling I love. I worked for that. 

Trying to stay positive

A lot of people have asked me for a new blog update on how I'm doing, so here goes. One thing I have taken pride in through the last 10 and a half months is my positive attitude. It's hard. The last three weeks have been extra hard. I was notified by Labor and Industries that "according to their calculations" I should be healed and my care will probably not continue to be covered. Just like that. Now, If you know anything, that's not exactly how it works. They can't cut me off until a doctor says they can (I.e. I'm healed), but they sure can make it a challenge. 

My logical brain understands as I know a huge portion of those covered by this benefit abuse it, and sadly the system has to compensate for that, rather than taking care of those who need it. Always on the defensive. I get it but it makes me want to cry. I feel like I have suffered enough. I was only compensated for wages for the mere 4 weeks I took off to recover, and the rest of my medical has been covered, and for the most part, since my 6 month mark (September), it has only been physical therapy. 

My physical therapy is also unique as it is not what most people expect to see in PT. I have been fortunate enough to work out at an amazing gym (Happy Hour by Marisa) where the owner Marisa Mancke developed special workouts for me, until I could fully integrate into the classes she teaches. Most of the physical work I do to recover is on my own; using my PT time for deep tissue work - something I can't do on my own. If you think I can, try sticking your own elbow in your glute and come back to talk to me.

So back to my general practitioner along with notes from my physical therapist to submit a letter to L&I to extend my coverage. Before they even got the letter, they had a quick conversation with my PT and limited my coverage. It went retroactive and so before I knew it, my coverage is basically up again. So it seems that every 6 weeks I have to fight for additional coverage. It is increasingly apparent that they don't even know what truly happened to me. Pelvis breaks are fairly rare outside the elderly, so there isn't a great "calculation" for healing because they usually just stay in bed and not get super active again. 

What is even more daunting, is that I probably need PT for another 6-8 months. Not at often as I do now, but for the next 6-8 months, I have to fight every 6-8 weeks for coverage. Why not just use my insurance? I don't want to and I shouldn't have to.

The icing on the cake is that these last 2 weeks have been the most painful I've had since probably September/October. It's really the first time I've taken steps back, vs. forward. I hurt when I sit, I hurt when I stand, I hurt when I lay down. I can't sit in the same position for longer than 15-30 minutes without something starting to ache. Plus, in the last few weeks, I have been getting random twinges of immense pain that freezes me. I usually get it as I take a step and literally have to freeze to stop the pain. It sucks, because I can't anticipate it and it never happens conveniently. Today, I was out with coworkers and was hit with such intense pain, I started to cry. I was embarrassed that it happened, as I mostly (try to) wear a happy face with coworkers. 

So it's hard. I'm home on a heating pad for my pelvis and and ice pack for my back. I want to scream that I am a good person and just need PT, instead I'll play by their rules and charge MORE to them by going back to the doctor every six weeks. Whatever. I deserve it, I just hate fighting for it. I deserve someone else sticking their elbow in my glute. I deserve to walk without a limp or pain. So if I don't seems as positive as I have been, I'll bounce back, just taking a break to be pissed off at the system and nurse my pelvis and heart back to some normalcy. :)

Thanks for reading. I am supposed to walk a 5k on March 2 and do the big climb on March 23. These are the last two events I did before the accident, and hoped to come back and celebrate my progress. I'll make sure to post on my progress to those!