Healing.

I counted yesterday. 39 weeks since the accident. I have written so many drafts of this post, starting at week 17 (note the date of this port is July . . .  Oops!). I feel like so much has happened, and so little has happened and I didn't know where to start. It will come in pieces because it would be the longest post ever, because a lot has happened. 

My last post, in July, had these goals:

1. Go up and down stairs normal (I have a lot of stairs in my life and so this is top of mind)

2. Driving on the freeway for more than 1 mile and not freaking myself out

3. Driving to work (I was still getting rides)

4. Continue lots of physical therapy! 

5. Heal (mind and body) and set news goals. 

6. Continue to find humor in all the crazy things that happen. 

7. Be grateful for where I am at and going.

My updates: 

1. Stairs. Done. I don't remember when it happened but I just go now.

2. Driving. Gads. See next post. Mind games, I tell you, mind games!

3. Driving to work. It became a necessity due to a big project. I didn't get to think about it, so it happened. 

4. I still go to physical therapy once a week and I look forward to it. I try to do as much as I can between, so the healing continues.

5. Working on healing my mind, and my body. I have a great relationship with my foam roller and heating pad.

6. I like to think I find humor in most situations, but probably need to laugh more! :)

7. Every. Flipping. Day. Grateful. 

After that post, I hit the ground running as soon as I could.  Figuratively. I travel for work, and it is like in mid July, a switch was flipped and I suddenly had a frequent flyer pass again. My first trip was a day one, so I was calmed by the fact that the first airport experience would be with just an small backpack with my iPad and a note book. No heavy laptop, no luggage. I went early to allow plenty of time to be harassed and patted. Many of you have heard me talk about his since then, but much to my disappointment, the giant screw that is now permanently part of me, didn't even make a TSA agent blink. No alarms, no pat down, nada. I know I shouldn't have been disappointment as my lack of frisking, but I was sort of hoping for an eye brow raise or something. Oh well. :)

Fast forward 18 weeks from the first flight, and I was on 3 international flights, and too many domestic to count. I have always been a light traveler, so luckily I have honed those skills more, and travel with even less. My two biggest obstabcles when flying are lifting the weight (which has gradually increased, but one trip involved no lifting at all), and sitting in a seat not on the aisle. I never noticed before how awkward it is to get into a seat. When you add the inability to move your pelvis around, it is strangely challenging. Add an old lady next to you who won't get up to let you out, and it is even more complicated. And yes, that happened more than once. 

My biggest obstacle for all healing has been that my injury is basically invisible. When I had a my walker or my crutches, it was a call out to something being "different" about me. Once I dropped those, I lost my security blanket. I think I actually walked on my crutches longer than I needed to, because I was scared to let that security go. It finally took my knee doctor telling me to get rid of them, or else, to let them go. 100% mental. Mental challenges are the worst, and I am not talking about puzzles. The good news is that shortly after I gave up my crutch, my knee doctor decided knee surgery wasn't necessary unless I had a ton of pain as I continued to heal. Even better news, no real unexpected knee pain! So no surgery!

Recently, I had to be vocal about the fears that I have that could affect my ability to do my job, like being in crowds. It was like asking for help in the beginning, it was hard, but I had to get over it, because I would have died of starvation in a pee soaked bed if I didn't ask for help. Pretty thought, I know. So now, I have to be vocal about what I can and can't do. Crowds, no thank you. I don't move super quick, can't jump (out of the way of danger, duh) and have a voice that does not carry (so I can't scream bloody murder and expect someone to hear me). Crowds used to be fun, and now I am scared I'll get knocked down and break again. I really know the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but the fear of it, is actually worse than it would be.

I did try to overcome this fear of crowds recently by going to a Seahawks game. I love the Seahawks and was willing to battle my brain to be there. I was surprisingly okay, except when something really exciting would happen and suddenly people were in my bubble. I KNOW people aren't going to knock me over and I KNOW that if I fall, my pelvis won't break. . . But sometimes there is just a constant fear that something could happen. Like I said, my bubble is bigger and I did pretty good most of the game and just had to be vocal when I wasn't okay. I was a little surprised that when I did say something, the response was that if I wasn't okay, I shouldn't have come. Noted to not go places with that person again. I know my fear is irrational and I know it's not fair to expect others to understand. 

I just hope it will get easier with time. Stupid fears. And Go Hawks!

Long time, no post

It's been awhile. Not for any reason, except I am actually busy again. 

I am back to work full time, which I like, but I also miss laying around healing with my cats. I can tell they miss me too. I can also tell that I still have a lot of healing to do, so my down time is more important than ever. That does mean not doing some things I want to, and making a good choice for my healing. I enjoy my work and especially the project I am working on now, which definitely makes coming back easier. I have been working from home for almost 3 months now, and just starting to get into the office on a regular basis. 

I have returned to the gym. Marisa is amazing, she is just coming up with stuff for me each time I come in (to compliment the exercises I need to do for physical therapy). It feels good to have sore muscles for something other than having not moved for 3 months. It is a different kind of sore, a good sore. It reminds me what I am capable of and that while this accident has changed me, it doesn't define what I can and cannot do. I won't let it.

In some ways, all of these experiences of returning to things I used to do every day, makes it feel like I never left. My first morning back at the gym, someone came up and said, now that you are back, it feels like you never left. It's kind of odd when you suddenly disappear from something without saying goodbye. In some ways, I sort of imagined time stopping when my accident happened, and everyone just froze where they were, so when I walked back in, it was like no time had passed. (Not how it really works, by the way). I am just back to doing what I belong doing.

A lot has happened in the last month since my last post. For starters, I am on an airplane, typing this. Talk about getting back to "normal." I celebrated 12 weeks. Which was the big milestone set by the doctors at Harborview. Healed! Right? I suppose technically my breaks are solid-ish now, so in the eyes of the orthopedic pelvis team at Harborview, that is healed. What has to heal after that, is all the stuff that was holding me together while my pelvis took its time. This is the hard stuff, cause I don't get to just sit around anymore, I have to actually do stuff. Back to reality, which is scary! 

I also went to the knee doctor. I got an MRI which showed some tearing of my medial blah blah thingy, but showed no pieces of cartilage or bone under my knee cap. Good news! I need surgery to fix my medial thingy, but not with urgency. So, I am planning on October so I can get strong again, heal up more and be out in the gross winter, rather than during this amazing summer we are having in Seattle. So, more on that, when I get it scheduled. 

I have gotten good at asking for what I need to be okay in situations, like Mariners games (2 under my belt, both wins!), concert at Chateau Ste. Michele, going to support friends at Rock and Roll marathon, going to the beach and even paddle boarding (sitting). I am challenged to try things I may be slightly afraid of, but excited that people ask and support me in trying.

I am driving again, sort of. Side streets, I am pretty much good. I would like a sign that says, stop AT the stop sign, not 5 feet after. Makes me jump too. I would also like everyone to reduce ate themselves on proper following distances. Break lights make me jump! I tired the freeway once, and had to have one, very long, pep talk with myself. Here's the deal: Fear isn't logical. I have NO IDEA why I am scared of things that had nothing to do with the type of accident I was in. No idea. But fear isn't logical, I don't chose to be afraid. I just am, and am testing it on a daily basis.

What is next?

More firsts, for starters:

1. Going up and down stairs normal (I have a lot of stairs in my life and so this is top of mind)

2. Driving on the freeway for more than 1 mile and not freaking myself out

3. Driving to work (I still get rides, bless your hearts Angela and Cheryl)

Continue lots of physical therapy! Heal (mind and body) and set news goals. Continue to find humor in all the crazy things that happen. Be grateful for where I am at and going.

I am excited to see how I progress and how my fear subsides.