Normal

One thing that I have a really hard time verbalizing or dealing with is actually hard to explain as it is the emotional side of this process. Emotional aren't rational, so trying to talk about them is scary as some people just don't understand. I had a post about firsts. I continue to have firsts all the time. Like my first workout without any modifications, or my first hour long step, or driving to work alone. Mostly around physical stuff, but I have a mental checklist of things I used to do and note when I do them again for the first time. It has also been stuff like wearing the jewelry I was wearing or getting a pedicure without worrying they'll hurt me. 

I don't expect a cheerleading squad every time I do something, but recognition means a lot to my emotional healing. Sometimes I feel like people have forgotten, and that seems weird/ awkward to say. I don't want to be treated like a 5 year old and be checked in on, but I appreciate when people recognize an accomplishment or ask me how I am feeling. It's been nine months (and 5 days!) and I continue to heal. I am not back to normal, and I know that. I am not even sure what normal is now.

I don't know if people think I am sick of talking about it (or they themselves are tired of hearing about it) but I'm not, as it is my every day reality. It helps me process internally, when I talk about it with others. I get home each night and immediately jump on the heating pad to help ease any pain that creeped up during the day. Pretty much anytime I am home, I am laying on my back with my knees up as that is the only comfortable position. That is my reality. I can't stand for more than about 3 hours, before the pain in unbearable. That is my reality. 

I was at the gym on my 8 month anniversary. Someone I was in a group with asked me how it was going and I shared that it was this anniversary, and it felt like a big deal to me. 8 months since my life flashed before my eyes. It seems over dramatic to some, but when you are told (while being cut out of the car) that you really should have been crushed and died, it sort of sets you on a different path mentally. So yeah, 8 months is a big deal. At the end of the workout, our amazing, kind and generous leader Marisa stopped the class and acknowledged the anniversary. I was brought to tears, not only because it's more real when you say it out loud, but also because I was touched that others also felt the importance of acknowledging this milestone. Marisa is great at noticing when I do stuff that she knows are goals for me, like the first time I pushed that stupid prowler, or when I could do box jumps with even 1 riser. 

This week, a fellow gym mate Linda came up during a workout and touched my heart in a way she probably doesn't even know. I was actually struggling with workout because I had just done an hour of step and 25 minutes of spin and my legs were just done. So I was standing there having a convo with myself about how it was okay to skip parts and not get down on myself. Be proud of what you have done, do what you can, as you are blessed to be able (says Marisa, all the time). 

As I was having this hard convo with myself, Linda stopped me to tell me what an inspiration I was to her. Gulp. Hold the tears. She said she had friends who were in an accident years and years ago, and two of them broke their pelvises, and even all these years later, they probably aren't as fit and determined as I am 9 months after my own accident. That made my day, week, and maybe my year. 

This is tough. Period. Physically and mentally tough, and I appreciate (more than I could ever say or myself acknowledge) those who acknowledge that and help me continue to heal. 

My bubble has grown

I think the number of fears changes daily. Something will happen and my blood pressure will rise and I'm like, whoa, that scared me and it didn't before. I have always considered my self fairly adventurous (skydiving, for example) so random fears sort of weirdos me out. My bubble is bigger in every circumstance that I can think of. I had someone go in for a hug (when I had a walker) and I practically fell over trying to avoid it. I didn't do it consciously, I guess I was just afraid she'd push me over. I didn't realize it until she apologized and then I had to explain that I do in fact like hugs and didn't mean to do that. 

Driving is tricky for me. A bigger bubble is not always good when driving. I have a funny paranoia that everyone wants to be in my lane and that no car can see me. I did get a bigger car to help alleviate that fear and it has helped. My new car has a back up camera, which I not only love, but more than anything, it fills the gap of my physical ability to rotate my torso. I do wish the camera could, be on when I was driving, but I can imagine the confusion that would cause. I sometimes think I prefer to be the driver, until something scares me, and all I want is to be out of the car. Then I am the passenger, and I (at times) have to close my eyes so I don't scream out. Some lucky folks, like my mom, just gets the screams. Love you mom! 

I visualize accidents a lot. It's weird to be driving and literally "see" an accident in my head. I usually have to shake it off and have a conversation with myself. And then I go and watch Chicago Fire (so freaking good) or the news (scary!) and my brain remembers those crazy TV moments. Stupid brain. 

Running/jogging, Jumping and skipping. Hard! This actually revolves more around my knee, but the way landing feels now is different everywhere. I have slowly eased back into step, which involves some jumping and stomping. The first time I did it, I lasted 15 minutes before my knee and pelvis started yelling at me. The next time was 30 minutes. And the next time was an hour! I have really missed step and can't wait to do it with the bounce that I used to have. I do go to the back, which helps with my bubble situation. 

Funny enough, I think I am getting to be as strong as I was at the accident but I have a mental block about skipping, especially the landing part. It is such a joyous activity, and I yearn for the day I can do it, without a second thought. And cartwheels, although I don't think I've been able to do one of those right for years. 

I did sign up to do the Big climb again in March 2014. That was the last event I did just days before the accident and I want to do it again, as a celebration. I don't care how long it takes me, but I am going to do it.