Healing.

I counted yesterday. 39 weeks since the accident. I have written so many drafts of this post, starting at week 17 (note the date of this port is July . . .  Oops!). I feel like so much has happened, and so little has happened and I didn't know where to start. It will come in pieces because it would be the longest post ever, because a lot has happened. 

My last post, in July, had these goals:

1. Go up and down stairs normal (I have a lot of stairs in my life and so this is top of mind)

2. Driving on the freeway for more than 1 mile and not freaking myself out

3. Driving to work (I was still getting rides)

4. Continue lots of physical therapy! 

5. Heal (mind and body) and set news goals. 

6. Continue to find humor in all the crazy things that happen. 

7. Be grateful for where I am at and going.

My updates: 

1. Stairs. Done. I don't remember when it happened but I just go now.

2. Driving. Gads. See next post. Mind games, I tell you, mind games!

3. Driving to work. It became a necessity due to a big project. I didn't get to think about it, so it happened. 

4. I still go to physical therapy once a week and I look forward to it. I try to do as much as I can between, so the healing continues.

5. Working on healing my mind, and my body. I have a great relationship with my foam roller and heating pad.

6. I like to think I find humor in most situations, but probably need to laugh more! :)

7. Every. Flipping. Day. Grateful. 

After that post, I hit the ground running as soon as I could.  Figuratively. I travel for work, and it is like in mid July, a switch was flipped and I suddenly had a frequent flyer pass again. My first trip was a day one, so I was calmed by the fact that the first airport experience would be with just an small backpack with my iPad and a note book. No heavy laptop, no luggage. I went early to allow plenty of time to be harassed and patted. Many of you have heard me talk about his since then, but much to my disappointment, the giant screw that is now permanently part of me, didn't even make a TSA agent blink. No alarms, no pat down, nada. I know I shouldn't have been disappointment as my lack of frisking, but I was sort of hoping for an eye brow raise or something. Oh well. :)

Fast forward 18 weeks from the first flight, and I was on 3 international flights, and too many domestic to count. I have always been a light traveler, so luckily I have honed those skills more, and travel with even less. My two biggest obstabcles when flying are lifting the weight (which has gradually increased, but one trip involved no lifting at all), and sitting in a seat not on the aisle. I never noticed before how awkward it is to get into a seat. When you add the inability to move your pelvis around, it is strangely challenging. Add an old lady next to you who won't get up to let you out, and it is even more complicated. And yes, that happened more than once. 

My biggest obstacle for all healing has been that my injury is basically invisible. When I had a my walker or my crutches, it was a call out to something being "different" about me. Once I dropped those, I lost my security blanket. I think I actually walked on my crutches longer than I needed to, because I was scared to let that security go. It finally took my knee doctor telling me to get rid of them, or else, to let them go. 100% mental. Mental challenges are the worst, and I am not talking about puzzles. The good news is that shortly after I gave up my crutch, my knee doctor decided knee surgery wasn't necessary unless I had a ton of pain as I continued to heal. Even better news, no real unexpected knee pain! So no surgery!

Recently, I had to be vocal about the fears that I have that could affect my ability to do my job, like being in crowds. It was like asking for help in the beginning, it was hard, but I had to get over it, because I would have died of starvation in a pee soaked bed if I didn't ask for help. Pretty thought, I know. So now, I have to be vocal about what I can and can't do. Crowds, no thank you. I don't move super quick, can't jump (out of the way of danger, duh) and have a voice that does not carry (so I can't scream bloody murder and expect someone to hear me). Crowds used to be fun, and now I am scared I'll get knocked down and break again. I really know the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but the fear of it, is actually worse than it would be.

I did try to overcome this fear of crowds recently by going to a Seahawks game. I love the Seahawks and was willing to battle my brain to be there. I was surprisingly okay, except when something really exciting would happen and suddenly people were in my bubble. I KNOW people aren't going to knock me over and I KNOW that if I fall, my pelvis won't break. . . But sometimes there is just a constant fear that something could happen. Like I said, my bubble is bigger and I did pretty good most of the game and just had to be vocal when I wasn't okay. I was a little surprised that when I did say something, the response was that if I wasn't okay, I shouldn't have come. Noted to not go places with that person again. I know my fear is irrational and I know it's not fair to expect others to understand. 

I just hope it will get easier with time. Stupid fears. And Go Hawks!