Independence

This post was hard for me to write as I found myself jumping all over the place. The last few weeks have been the emotional part of healing, which in my opinion is the hardest part. Early on, my situation was just what it was. I found it pointless to be upset by the situation, because it wouldn't get me anywhere and it certainly wouldn't help my healing to be upset. 12 weeks is a long time to fret about what happened, so why bother. VERY early on, I said the "novelty" of my injury would wear off and after week six or so, I predicted that I would have a lot fewer visitors and probably a lot less help.

I have never been great at asking for help. I don't want to inconvenience anyone. I want to try to do it myself. I think that is a natural reaction for someone who pretty much does every thing on their own. I am good at asking some people and not so great at asking 95% of people. I can't really explain the reason why, it just is. Maybe because I feel like everything I ask for will eventually need to be reciprocated, and there are a few people who I know that will happen with, and others, I worry about how to thank people.

As someone who is and always has been very independent, this has been a very unique experience for me. I was essentially forced to rely on others to do things (EVERYTHING) for me. I assumed that as soon as I had a glimpse at independence, I would take it and "run." Interestingly enough, I have had quite the opposite reaction. How do I behave? Everyone expects me to be the same Brianna I was 3 months ago, but I am not so sure I am. I don't have a desire to drive at all. I am extremely jumpy when I am in a car.

Now, as I am walking some (not all the time, just so you know), driving some (not even close to all the time) and able to do more for myself; I am more scared than ever. I think I am scared that despite my progress, I still do need help, some physical, but a lot of emotional help. My job is very social, and therefore, I have always appreciated my downtime at home. Now that I am home all the time, I crave social interaction more than ever. Additionally, because I am not actually driving yet, I rely on others to get me out and bring me things.

The kind of help I need is the kind where someone just comes and watches TV with me, or takes me to lunch to get me out and chatting or helping with the few things I shouldn't do (vacuuming, taking the garbage or recycling out, for example). I find asking for companionship is even harder, because there isn't a "reason" and often I just want to be normal again. Sometimes I don't want to talk about my progress, I just want to hang out. I want to do normal stuff, but I am just not quite there yet. So close, yet so far.